With complaints and legitimate gripes seemingly at an all-time high for the UFC roster, the promotion’s new owners WME-IMG have taken the timely decision to host a weekend retreat for any and all UFC fighters.

Dubbed the remarkably on the nose ‘2017 UFC Athlete Retreat’, the UFC brass have spared no expense in flying out fighters from across the globe to Las Vegas and, according to a mass email, are providing “a unique opportunity for you to interact with your fellow athletes, UFC staff and your new ownership group” with over nine hours worth of events for the fighters to participate in.

A welcome break from the hustle and bustle of the fighter life, but just what are those events which will be spread across the weekend? Here’s a speculative look into what may well be on the UFC Athlete Retreat itinerary:

Whack-A-Bisping

A Middleweight division exclusive in which a diminutive-sized Michael Bisping emerges from hiding to verbally harangue the player. “Believe you me, buddy!” and “Romero/Whittaker/Franklin deserves the next shot, not you!” are just some of the phrases which the animatronic Bisping will tease the player with before returning into hiding until some time after October and serendipitously Georges St-Pierre picks up the mallet.

Demian Maia hiking

A visually stunning hike up into Red Rock Canyon will stimulate the senses of the fighters and provide a zen-like opportunity to get out of the hectic Las Vegas city. With Demian Maia firmly attached to your back, the panoramic views will distract you from the crafty Brazilian sinking in his hooks and playfully looking for submissions.

Available for groups of one and there may be a wait for Demian Maia to walk back down the trail.

Cooking with Sage Northcutt

UFC megastar Sage Northcutt welcomes you to his kitchen and will impart his culinary genius to those who seek it. Learn how to refine your diet with tips on how to boil chicken, boil broccoli and boil protein shakes in a quest to remove the enjoyment and taste of eating.

Dana White Roast

A UFC-styled spin on the classic comedic roast. Instead of UFC president Dana White being the subject of whimsical jokes at his expense, White will instead make fun of you, the fighter. Expect to be told “you’re not a f*****g star”, “shut up, stick to f*****g fighting” and of course, hear Dana White’s catchphrase to wrap up each individual tirade: “You f*****g goof!”

Second job & new skills fair

Reebok sponsored event

Thanks to our friends at Reebok, the world’s leader in athletic clothing designed for ‘flexibilty’, the UFC can supply a second job fair and provide intensive new skills courses in order to make up gaps in your income lost through sponsorship.

Courses include ‘Learning how to show off new Reebok clothing lines in social media posts’ while Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson’s new weed farm will be looking for employees – the queue will inevitably start behind the Diaz brothers and Kelvin Gastelum.

Free Bar

A complementary free bar where UFC bantamweight champion Cody Garbrandt will be stationed to “hang with the boys!”

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